The only thing worse than not knowing what to say to a friend who’s grieving is not knowing what to do for them. Recently I was reminded again how important it is to support a friend long after the funeral flowers fade. There is usually lots of support at the initial outset of a death, but as the days and months go by the pain doesn’t lessen and the expressions of care often do.
Here are a few ways you can continue to love your grieving friend well:
Invite them to dinner at your house.
When your friend or loved one is used to sharing their table with someone who’s now gone, dinnertime can be the loneliest time of day. Consider an invitation to dinner with you and your family. If they have kids this is a huge benefit so the kids can play and be distracted and you can have some one-on-one time to catch up.
Invite them regularly and that will give the person or family something to look forward to in their week. And it never hurts to alleviate meal time prep, cooking and clean up! Everyone loves a night away from the kitchen.
Remind yourself to remember.
Let’s face it. Life gets busy. And it can be hard to remember to reach out to a hurting friend or neighbor. Try setting reminder in your phone to call or text them once a month. Or if you’re not a smartphone user, write their name on your calendar every month for a year (electronic or old-fashioned paper) and mail them a card or send them an encouraging email on that date. I like to use scripture verses and a brief note, or even a gift to brighten their day.
Amazon makes gift giving easier than it’s ever been. You can purchase just about anything you can think of from an electronic book gift card, to a coffee gift card, or even pantry items like candy! Small gestures make sure they know you haven’t forgotten their loss…on the ordinary days, not just the special occasions where more people tend to reach out.
Nourish Normal.
When you’re grieving, your whole life can be dictated by loss. Many have forgotten the definition of normal. So keep inviting your friend to do the normal things you did before their loss. Going to the gym, coffee, movies, out to dinner or recreational activities are all great ideas. People don’t always want their life to be about the grief they are facing. Your job is to help them forget…for a time.
And don’t define them as their loss by always asking about “it.” The “pitiful” looks from people are hard enough from people they don’t know well, much less those they do! Your grieving friend is still the same person, just with new pain. Help them focus on who they are, not what they’re going through.
Be a thoughtful listener.
There is a fine line between pestering someone with “How are doing?” and being willing to listen when they need to talk. It’s important to “go there” if they do. One way to engage is to ask open ended questions like, “What’s hardest for you right now?”, “How can I be of help to you right now?”, or “What kind of support do you need?”
Additionally, avoid the “fix-it mentality.” Let them talk, don’t tell them what 10 steps they can take to get over their grief. Grief takes time, and it’s never the same time for anyone. Your job is to be there, support, and listen when they need to talk. Not try to fix them.
Entering into your friend’s pain, even for a short time, is the greatest blessing you can give them in their time of sorrow.
For more practical ways to love those who are hurting, pick up a copy of Alongside: A Practical Guide for Loving your Neighbor in their Time of Trial at your favorite in store or online bookseller.