You may or may not know, I’m writing a book. It’s called: “Alongside: A practical guide for loving your neighbor in times of trial.” I’ve had my own share of trials, but as part of my research, I’ve also interviewed lots of people who’ve lived through challenging times. I’ve learned a lot…but today I’m reminded, I still have so much to learn.
Just hours ago, I found out one of my son’s former teammates lost his Mom to cancer. I knew her through sports, and worked with her on several occasions. This woman was a dear soul. She was a faithful volunteer, a hard-worker and devoted Mom. She was always positive, willing to serve, selfless and kind. I didn’t know her well, but what I did know, I admired.
Whenever I saw her at games I tried not to bother her, because I knew she was just grateful for a few hours, even sitting on hard, metal bleachers, to watch her son play the game he loved. A small dose of normal in a chaotic time of treatments, illness and hardship. If we did catch up for a few moments, I’d ask how she was, but I fear I didn’t spend enough time or offer any real help.
Then today I heard – she’s gone. And I’m deeply saddened. I didn’t know her illness had progressed because I didn’t stay in touch with her after the season ended. And I feel terrible about it.
All this to say, even I, who am writing a book on the subject, still fall short in the area of helping those I know when they’re facing trial.
Maybe you’ve found yourself in this place too? When you want to help someone facing trial, illness or loss, and you don’t know how or you didn’t get the chance and now it’s too late.
So what can you do today to redeem those lost moments or opportunities when someone you know is facing trial?
1. Do your part.
In my book, I discuss the importance of knowing what level your relationship is with the person. (Tier 1 is closest, Tier 4 is least involved.) Without going into detail, I would say I was a Tier 3 friend to this Mom. (Shared interest: sports, but not a close friend) This is a very valuable piece of information. I would say, based on my own classification system, I wasn’t an essential part of her support network.
What makes this information important to you is this: we aren’t called to help every single person we know who’s facing a trial. And in hindsight, I know she had support; it just wasn’t from me.
But what I could do, I did. This Mom did ask specifically for my help keeping her situation confidential from the players, so she could keep her son’s life as normal as possible while she underwent treatment. She also asked me, as the Team Mom, to watch out for her son, and keep the coaches informed.
And for her, in that time and place, that was enough.
My advice:
What tier relationship do you have?
No matter how bad you feel, don’t beat yourself up if you weren’t in a place to serve that particular person. (If you were called and didn’t do anything, see #3 below!)
2. Don’t make it about you.
In one conversation, I offered several times, even pushed, to bring this Mom a meal – to no avail. She was very clear and kind in telling me what she needed was what she had already asked for, nothing more.
My job then was to honor her request and not overwhelm her with things she didn’t need or want. We have to remember it’s about that person’s needs, not our need to do more. Examine your motives. Ask yourself: Why do I want to do more? Is it to make myself feel better?
My advice: It’s not about you. The person you want to help through their trial gets to decide what they need, not you!
3. Follow your heart.
If hearing this story today made you think of someone you know or love who’s facing trial, and you haven’t reached out in some way, let this be the day you do!
I recommend making a specific offer, like, “I’d love to help you with _________.” (food, pets, kids, driving, tasks, prayer) Never say, “Let me know what I can do!”, because first, they rarely will, and second it puts all the burden on them to ask.
I also recommend basing your offer on how well you know the person. If you know them well, you will have more tangible ways you can serve. If you don’t know them well, then I would send a card, a prayer or a note of encouragement to let them know you’re thinking about them. Another way is to help with corporate tasks or events already in place, like meal sign ups, prayer meetings, benefits, carpools.
My advice: If you haven’t already, or are feeling led to reach out to someone, don’t sit on your hands or make excuses. Make time today – you never know what tomorrow will bring.
[reminder]What advice would you give someone who wants to help others in times of trial?[/reminder]