How loving and learning can improve your relationships

My new friend, Susie Albert Miller, and I met in an online networking group.  We immediately hit it off , because she has immense compassion and insight. Her new book: Listen, Learn, Love: How to Dramatically Improve Your Relationships in 30 Days or Less!    releases TODAY!  I am honored to have her as a guest on my blog today as she writes about how listening and loving can improve your relationships when those you love are facing trials.

 

The phone rang early that Monday morning – an oddity, interrupting the “get ready for school” chaos of lunches, backpacks, and hurried kisses while shooing my kids out the door. With a quick, “have a great day,” I shut the door and glanced at the caller ID. It was my oncologist’s office number. Friday afternoon, I had received an “all clear” verdict on post-surgery test results, and assumed they wanted to schedule a follow up. But the calm I usually savor after the harried morning routine, was shattered when I heard my doctor’s voice, instead of the nurse’s. Doctors don’t make phone calls in general, let alone to schedule follow up visits.

My heart sank and the joy infused “cancer-free” weekend deflated – one word at a time.

“I am so sorry, Susie, but we made a mistake, the cancer is outside the tumor and you will need more treatment. We weren’t able to get it all, and the call on Friday was made based on another patient’s results. I am so very sorry.”

Stunned, I sat in silence.

“Do you understand what this means?” the oncologist asked. I could hear the pain in his voice, laden with regret for both the diagnosis and the mistake.

No words.  I just nodded at the phone as tears flooded my eyes.

It wasn’t over. Cancer remained in my body.

“Susie, are you there? I am so sorry for the mistake. But, the good news is, we can treat this cancer. Do you understand? Can you hear me?”

Still weak and recovering from the recent surgery to remove the cancerous tumor, I wanted to slip into sleep and pretend the call never came. I didn’t hear any “good news.”

Realizing I was nodding and not speaking, I eeked out a “Yes, and thank you for calling. Don’t worry Dr. that happens…test get mixed up, just tell me what is next.” He outlined what the ensuing weeks and months would hold; apologized again and ended the call.

Hanging up, I realized I would need a lot of help and reached out to a few friends who would step into the storm and care for me and my family. I didn’t want help. I just wanted to be back to “Cancer Free Friday.”

One of my friends had a beautiful response,

“I am here for whatever you need, to help in any way I can, but I don’t need you to need me.”

She understood.

Sarah has written about this recently on the blog as she advised us:  Don’t make it about you.

So often we do that though, don’t we? It is easy to make it about us, especially when someone is hurting or struggling. We feel a need to help, fix, intervene, understand, or alternatively to distance ourselves. When pain and sorrow make us uncomfortable, our first response is either to step back not knowing what to do, or to swoop in, seeking to help and relieve their pain. And a bit of ours too, if we are completely honest.

Loving Well in these moments requires us to take the focus off ourselves.

Regardless of our feelings, fears, and discomfort, we can serve and love by offering our help, but not needing to help.

When calamity strikes, the “do-er” in me kicks into high gear. I want to take dinner, buy something for their kiddos, show up with a gift basket of goodies to distract from their suffering. My first inclination to “do something” is just that – mine, and about me! But maybe what my hurting friend really needs is space, silence, and no one stopping over with the best of intentions.

Maybe our friends would rather cook dinner as a therapeutic way to calm their worries, maybe a greater helpfulness would be to sit with them in silence, or just be with them in the midst of their sorrow, pain or treatment, without words.   Maybe they don’t want us to do anything, but instead to be with them in prayer, presence, or both.

Regardless of what we want to do, the way to truly love our neighbor is to know our neighbor first, and then love them according to their needs, preferences and desires, not ours. To be what they need us to be, rather than do what might make us more comfortable. It isn’t about us.

Loving well is other-centered and focused on what is best for the person facing trial.

Learn them is a process of investigating, discovering and discerning. By studying the people in our lives and getting to know them below the surface level, we are able to engage in a way that is a blessing and benefit to them. Treasure hunts are not just the stuff of pirate movies! Treasure hunts to discover the preferences, likes, dislikes, moods, fears and needs of the people we care about, provides a goldmine of information from which we can discern the best ways interact with them and care for them.

The next time there is a crisis situation, a need, or difficulty in the life of a friend or neighbor, take time to think about what you have learned in the treasure hunts of really getting to know them. Then, engage from that place.

When we put aside our need to be needed, or our desire to relieve the tension and discomfort provoked by another person’s struggle or pain, we are open and available to care for them according to their unique and individual needs and desires. We meet them where they are, and offer a cup of cold water, a tender word, a quiet presence, or a prayer from a distance – whatever we discern is the best gift in the moment.

[reminder]Have you ever felt really known and cared for in a difficult time? How?[/reminder]

susie miller[guestpost]Susie Miller, known internationally as The Better Relationship Coach,™ is an Author, Speaker and Coach, dedicated to helping you create better relationships in 30 days! So don’t settle for mediocre ones! Susie is the author of Listen, Learn, Love: How to Dramatically Improve Your Relationships in 30 Days or Less! Go to: www.listenlearnlovebook.com to claim your Book and Bonuses![/guestpost]